On Writing...

I've been writing a few things lately as the muse hits and wonder if you could take a look and give me a bit of a critique.  I know the self publishing people are every where, but I'm not sure I'm, well, good enough.  Be honest...how else will I learn?

1. She Awoke:

She awoke, with a feeling of dread.  Not fear, just a feeling that something was off.  “What the hell did I do last night?” She looked around and thought; “I’m in my bedroom. Am I alone?” She stretched out and felt the bed.  “Yes, very much alone.” But what was it, this feeling, and why have it in the first place?  And there it was, the dread, coming through the bedroom door.

“Morning.”  He said it as though he had been up for hours, all chipper and sunshiny.  “How are you feeling?”

“Uhnnn.  What time is it?”

“8:30 am” he said.  “Time to get outta bed and get moving.”

“WTF?” she thought. “What the hell is going on?”

“Can I ask a question?”

“Sure,” he said. “What’s up?”

“What are you doing in my bedroom?”

He looked at her funny.  “What do you mean? You’re the one that wanted to make a change and start anew.”

“Start anew?” Who the hell talks like that, she thought.  “When did I tell you this?  And what do you mean by start anew?  Was I drinking wine?  You know better than to listen to me when I drink wine!”

“Look, Sis; it’s time you get yourself together and do something about this life, or lack of a life, you seem to not be living.”

Brothers, sheesh!

And that's where it all began, the start of my new life. Let me go back a little bit in my "not living my life" story.  It started in the afternoon, on a Tuesday. It was a bright, sunshiny day and I was a miserable git.  I had just received a letter explaining the latest round of blood tests I had taken the following week.  Wasn’t great news, but it wasn’t too awful either. 

2. Snippets of Thoughts:

 Six word biography: Librarian, slightly torn, lover of words.

Thoughts: You know? It's like I've been holding my breath for the last two years waiting for something to happen.  What that could be, I don't know...yet...but it's time to move on and make things happen.  It's time to quit holding my breath.

3. This one is a little racy, you have been warned:

A Scene from a Bedroom...

He kisses me as he runs his hands through my hair, cupping the back of my neck. The kiss deepens and I move my hands around his wide shoulders. He pulls back, looks deeply into my eyes and smiles knowing I am his once again. He lowers his head to my neck, brushing my cheeks with his beard as he nuzzles and nibbles. My pulse is racing. God, I love this man with every fiber of my being. 

His hand moves along my back towards my breast, caressing as he goes. It is a light touch, for now. His kisses move lower to the V between my breasts. I feel his hands pulling the bottom of my shirt up, up and over my bra. He stops to cup my breasts through the material and run his thumbs over my nipples, feeling their taunt reaction to his touch.

The shirt is tossed carelessly to the floor as he fumbles with the catches on my bra and it soon follows. His hands are on me once again, flesh to flesh. He kisses me as his hands caress, cup, tease, and finally take my nipples between his fingers for a slight squeeze. They are erect and hard. My breasts swell and are full under his touch. 

Once again his mouth moves to my neck as he nuzzles and kisses his way down to my nipples. He takes one into his mouth and suckles. Slowly flicks his tongue and nibbles with his teeth. I gasp as he moves from one breast to the other always cupping and caressing one as he licks and sucks the other. It was pure heaven. I get lost in the sensations. I feel him hard against my belly as my hands work to free him from his clothes. I pull his shirt over his head and toss it to the pile of growing clothes on the floor. 

I run my hands over his shoulders and move my lips to his chest. Kissing and working my way from one nipple to the other...delighted when they harden under my touch. My hands unbuckle his belt and I kiss his belly. Moving down onto the edge of the bed, I undo the button on his jeans with my mouth. Slowly, ever so slowly, I unzip his pants with my teeth; brushing his heat and hardness. 

I reach up and begin to pull his pants down past his hips. I cup his ass and his pants drop to his ankles. I pull him closer and kiss his stomach again feeling his hardness between us. He is impressive. I can feel the heat from his body as I touch the tip of my tongue to his hard, throbbing manhood. He moans and grasps my head with his hands. I kiss and tongue my way down the shaft and back up, flicking my tongue across the tip as I reach the top. He pulls me up and kisses me again. 

We move to the bed and fall onto it, a tangle of arms and legs. He kisses me as he kicks his pants from his ankles. We laugh and kiss again. His hands move down my belly and he touches me tentatively. I groan as he rubs my clit between his fingers. His mouth is again on my breasts while he continues to rub. My hips buck uncontrollably as he brings me to climax. We kiss again, deeper and more urgent as he climbs between my legs. I am wanting him inside me and move so that we are touching...feeling each others heat. 

He enters me, one excruciating slow inch at a time and I moan at how good this feels. My hips arch to meet him and draw him in deeper. He pumps, once, twice and stops while still inside me. He grips my hips and kisses me hard. Growls in my ear as he thrusts into me deeper than ever before. He laughs, knowing I never want him to stop. He moves again, slow at first and then faster as my hips meet him thrust for thrust. We moan and meet, rocking into a crescendo that releases all the anger, hurt, and pent up frustration from the previous days. We climax together with a moan and collapse with exhaustion.

We don't or can't move for a few minutes, panting while we catch our breath. He kisses me and quickly moves to the bathroom to shower leaving me wet, cold, and alone once again. I turn to my side and softly begin to cry. 

Well, there ya have it.  A bit scared to put myself out there and see what you will think...

Since my last visit, this happened...

Had a very medical year last year and it looks to be continuing into the new year too.   Many routine checks that so far have been good news and one I am not so sure about yet...will find out the results in a few days.  I'm sure things are fine there too.  Fingers crossed.

Yes, everything is fine.  Had a scope on my right knee, both knees are arthritic, and now, after many sessions of physical therapy, I have been released from my doctor, well - all of them actually, and am able to get back on track. 

Step 1: Small steps - change and establishing habits takes time.

Step 2: Get off the couch, not that I am on it that much, but it certainly became my place of choice during recovery.

Step 3: Move - do something, anything to move and exercise. My little garden is taking more work than I ever thought it would :)

Step 4: Believe & Love yourself again - it's been awhile.

Step 5: Establish work & life boundaries.  This one will actually be the hardest part of the change.  I have always been a workaholic.  I was better at leaving my work  when Dan and I were in the same town.  But since it is just me and Taz at home, I find it harder and harder to tear myself away from here.  This summer I plan to change that.  First step is to leave 15 minutes earlier than I usually do and by the end of summer I will be closer to my goal of leaving at the end of my shift.

Step 6: Meet Dan halfway between and visit each other more. I miss this man.  I miss his laugh, his sense of humor, the timbre of his voice, his touch, his smell, I miss him. This will be a better possibility when we both get new vehicles.  We are working on it.

No More Whining...well, that's it for now.

After a long drive Saturday, I feel much better.  It is amazing that something we totally detested as a kid, when the parents took us ridge running, I need to do now for my peace of mind.  It really helps me think things through and see a few places I have never been before.  This trip was no exception.

I began on Route 45 taking back roads and twisty turning byways into Virginia.  It was wonderful.  Began heading west and ran into RT 522. So I headed towards Berkeley Springs, WV. I stopped at Cacapon State Park. I have never been there before and thought I'd check out the sights.  I passed a nice little pond/lake where paddle boats were floating slowly by and swimmers were playing in the shallows.  A little farther on and there are tennis courts, a riding stable and then around the bend...the restaurant/lodge. I bypassed all of this for the road to the summit of Cacapon.  It was a rough road to the top, but way worth the views.

This was actually the smooth part of the road lol










When I first got to the top, I had the place all to myself.  That soon changed and four more car loads decided they must join me.  Had I come better prepared, I would have taken the path just passed the overlook to wander in the woods for a bit.

Back down and out to RT 522 once again.  I took a back road and came out on the other side of Berkeley Springs, west on RT 9 to Paw Paw.

 Overlook of the Cacapon River at Prospect Peak.









I have never seen the Paw Paw Tunnel on the C&O Canal and thought, why not check it out.

 A nice couple took my picture...

 It's a long tunnel and I didn't have a light.  I wimped out and only made it halfway before turning around.  The couple told me it is pretty muddy and without boots or something a bit sturdier on my feet...I shouldn't go the whole way through. 

All in all, I put about 100 or so miles on my car and had a very cathartic drive through Virginia, Maryland, and West Virginia.  I need to do this again...

Selfish Meh...

Please, let me know if I am wrong...but I have been feeling very selfish lately...I feel like all I do is focus on me, me, me...after all, isn't it all about Me? lol

Been feeling rather Meh, with a capital M, too.  I have a good idea why...but what I don't know is how to stop it and get back onto the "I matter" road.  I have always been a person that cares more for others. I mean, who the hell am I?  My friends and family say I would give a stranger the shirt off my back and freeze instead.  I'm not that giving, am I?...but I do know I have a big heart and would do almost anything to help people out.  The big problem I have is, I don't help myself first...if I don't take care of myself, who will?  If I don't take care of myself, who will do my work, help out my friends and family and well, anyone else?

Do you ever just feel like, what's the point? Why am I even bothering?  WTF? Yeah, that's been me for a little while now.  There are times I want to end it all...not that I would, mind you...but just want to stop and say, F it! Now here comes the Mega whining section of the post...skip ahead or stop reading now if you want to stay sane...

I miss my boy! I miss him so damn much I wanna cry! Physically and mentally miss him! I was a better person with him than I am without him.  This long distance relationship thing sucks!  Neither of us are very good at talking on the phone...much better in person.  When he came to visit in March, it was nice...just like it was before I moved.  Now we are back to phones and I am at a loss for words.  I know, is that even possible?  Skype would be great if the internet was available where he is...it worked once and then never again.  I hope in his new place it will work better.

I miss my friends...I really miss the way we were all so motivated for life and really, really enjoyed and cherished each other. I was better with them too...they kept me grounded and together.  I really liked myself around my girls.

I forgot how snarky and harsh it can be out here. I have forgotten how to be a city person and damn the torpedoes so I can go out and do whatever it is I don't feel like doing anyway. I have lost my confidence.  Not my work confidence, my city survival skills confidence.  I'm scared...maybe that's a better way to put it.  I'm scared. I don't like to be scared.

I hope this will be cathartic.  I do feel better...thanks for listening...

One Glorious Year Later!

It has been one year since I began my new adventure at Shepherd University. One year. Twelve months. 365 days. Lucky for you, I am not breaking it down into hours, minutes, or seconds...

It's Amazing! What an adventure it has been. Had I not been blessed with this job, God only knows where I would be now. Probably in the hospital suffering from some type of PTSD or other deadly stress related disorder or maybe even in some other type of trouble that I believe would involve a lawyer or two. When I do think about it (the year from hell) it still surprises me how some people can be soooooo needy and desperate that they align themselves with the most evil of creatures. I mean, everyone can get fooled for a while but eventually (and sometimes this does take longer than a year) the person will mess up and show their true colors and this is when the fool wakes up. In this case, the fool has never woken up and that will be the fools downfall. I thought I would like to see this happen. I thought it would make me feel better...but it won't. All I can do is pray, reflect, and pity the poor fool! Thank you B.A. Barracus!

The stress doesn't just disappear overnight.  It is still with me; the frustration and sadness; mostly the sadness. Frustration because the problems are still there and no one can do anything about it and the ones that do have the power, refuse to do anything.  You can't fight oppression forever. The proletariat will rise up and fight or leave if they can. In this case, the people are jumping ship and moving on towards happier and healthier work environments.  A lot like rats jumping from a sinking ship.  Rats are very smart creatures!   But I'm sad; sad that the oppression and the deceit continues.  It was a lovely place to learn the ropes of librarianship.  Before the year of hell, it was filled with wonderful, smart, accomplished people.  I learned from everyone of those brilliant folks.  I don't know when the one felt slighted, lost confidence and became jealous or even when the bitterness and hate began and intensified. I do know when the revenge began.  I feel sorry for this person...anger, aggression, deceit and bitterness all rolled into one makes for a very black, stunted and ugly soul. 

Some people never learn... But I digress! I work with very talented people that are healthy, wealthy and wise. We compliment and are kind to each other. It is so very nice to work with such kind and emotionally intelligent people again!  The tech services crew is a diverse and brilliant group of women! I love working with them. They are never allowed to leave! EVER! It is an honor and pleasure to work with such a crew.  I am learning so very much from all of them and I hope they are learning something from me too. 

Online Certification Class

So I am taking a class to become an online certified professor on Sakai, the online class management software we use here.  I don't mind online classes, but really hate the discussion board part of the whole thing.  There has to be a better way to have class participation.  I do like when there are scheduled chats;  that's real time and I get way more out the whole class that way.  But, I am learning about Sakai and you do what needs to be done in a class situation.  Discussion board, here I come! 

Thanks, Jen!

Thanks Jen! Thank you big time for all the advice on backpacks and everything else. Don't have to add Jen to the list of people I'm missing, she was already on it; the list is big, people! Really big!